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Supporting a partner after miscarriage


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A miscarriage is one of the most traumatic events that can happen in a woman’s life and supporting a partner after miscarriage is equally as hard. It is also distressing for the father and the physical and emotional pain for the mother is beyond most people comprehension. Losing a child at any time can be damaging for a relationship, creating stresses and strains that weren’t there before and often leading to a rift between the couple. The value of a strong support network after a miscarriage is immeasurable, but often knowing what to say or do, especially when you are upset too, can be hard.

Beyond your control

In the vast majority of cases miscarriages are completely out of the control of the mother and the cause of the miscarriage is something external which is often unavoidable, or in certain cases some biological factor, but in almost all cases they occur prior to 13 weeks. It’s inevitable that the mother is going to feel some sense of responsibility for the loss of the child so constant reassurance is important to keep away any feeling or thoughts of self doubt. This tense emotional time will be compounded by physical complications such as bleeding, clotting and the onset of many symptoms similar to birth, such as breast enlargement. All of these things may make simple household chores more difficult so you may find yourself picking up a majority of things that need doing round the house, try to keep things ticking over so as to maintain some sense of normality, if everything falls apart then it is a lot harder to pick up those pieces and rebuild a life.

Organise your work

Depending on the cause of the miscarriage your partner may require some ongoing medical attention for a short time, so organising time with your employer so that you can support her by taking her to the doctors is important, they should be fully supportive of your needs at this difficult time. This may also be a good time to consider counselling if your partner is really finding it hard to come to terms with what has happened, she may also be unwilling to discuss it with you through fear of upsetting your or even a worry that you may not understand, so just be mindful that how she reacts is not indicative of what she thinks all the time. Offer to go with her to counselling but if she wants to go alone then respect this decision, remember you may also want to seek professional help as if you are not in the right frame of mind then you will be no good at helping your partner, the loss of a child, even an unborn one, is traumatic for you too, don’t be ashamed to admit you may need help and keep your partner informed of how you feel, it may comfort her to know you are feeling the loss too..


Saying the right things

Try to avoid saying things like “you can always have more” as the consensus is that mother who have lost a child often don’t want to think about having more children and in most cases vocally reject the idea of ever doing it again at first. What’s important is too realise that grief is not measurable, it takes different people different time frames to recover, all of which is dependent on a multitude of things such as age of the mother, number of child, previous emotional outlook of mother and gestation period the loss was at.

Take time to sit and talk, hold each other and think of what you have in your life now, keep busy but take time to do things together, concentrate on the relationship and keeping it strong, resist the temptation to wallow and stay active and healthy. Maybe go on a short holiday to get away from things, if you have already started buying baby clothes, think about putting them away out of sight so as not to remind the two of you every time you walk upstairs, stay strong and remember the things that made you want to have children in the first place and hopefully in time your partner will recover with a fresh outlook and the two of you will bring a new life into the world very soon.

For more help and support visit the miscarriage association





About Steven Petter

About Steven Petter

Steve has three children, Connor, Harmony-Skye and Fletcher. He is a Martial Arts enthusiast as well as an avid reader of books about Philosophy, he began writing short stories and also writes music reviews.

Website: Steven Petter

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